Friday's Funnies

 A Large Order

A customer sent a large order to a distributor. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid so they sent a message: "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the reply came: "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

Deposit With a Whisper

One day a young man went up to the teller window at the bank and whispered, "Please deposit hundred dollars in my savings account." The teller handled the transaction and whispered back, "Have a good day." He started to leave but changed his mind. "I'm sorry we have to whisper," he said, "but if my car knows I've deposited money, it'll break down again." With his finger to his lips he tiptoed out.

 

How Old Are You?

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

 

Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one.  I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI (Driving Under the Influence).

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car.  I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right.  But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir.  That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by more police cars, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure.  Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer.  Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?  I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk was opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it.  The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

Bill Murray Quotes

- Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

- Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
- Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.
- Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them.
- Disneyland. The world's biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
- I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.
- You can tell how boring a person is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.
- My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon. I play Tetris.

King Arthur’s Unknown Knights

It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed. They included:

~ Sir Face - the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight.

~ Sir Pass – Arthur's best knight of all.

~ Sir Port - a great help to all the other knights.

~ Sir Prise – the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected.

~ Sir Vey – a watchful knight.

~ Sir Cuitous  - a knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way.

~ Sir Pose - a knight who stands by wild predictions.

~ Sir Cumvent – the evasive knight.

~ Sir Reen – a calm and cheerful knight.

~ Sir Spicious – a paranoid knight.

~ Sir Real – a vague and insubstantial knight.

~ Sir Cumstances – a knight whose fault it never was.

~ Sir Cumference - invented the round table.

~ Sir Plus - that extra knight.

~ Sir Cumference - the obese knight.

 

Dad Joke

I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

 

Today’s Thought

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and 3 sizes smaller?