Friday's Funnies

 Name Calling

 

I was the substitute principal at a local school when two boys who were fighting were brought to me. They were brothers. I asked what's the problem? The first answered, "He called me ugly!!" The second one said, "That was after you said I had a face like a frog!" I tried very hard not to laugh...they were identical twins!

Sold By The Dozen

Golf balls are like eggs...they are both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more.

 

Definition Of Outdoor Barbecuing

When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store. 
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a cold beverage. 
4) The man places the meat on the grill. 
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 
10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

 

South Dakota Farm

 

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm. After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch. The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once too."

 

The Wedding Dress

 

Betty was soon to be married. More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent. Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress. When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her. Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother. Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son." "Forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

Opposites

 

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "Look at all this manure! There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

 

A Drunk on the Bus

 

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!"

 

The Talk

 

A father decided it was time to have "the talk" with his ten-year-old son.  Sitting the boy down, he thought it best to first find out what his son might already know. So he asked his son if he knew about "the birds and the bees". "I don't want to know," his son replied, bursting into tears. "Promise you won't tell me.  Please!" Confused by this reaction, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh dad", the boy replied, in between sobs, "when I was six, I got the 'there’s no Santa' speech. At seven I got the 'there’s no Easter bunny' speech.  When I was eight, you hit me with 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you are going to tell me now there's no such things as birds and bees I don't know what I will do!"

Sunday Paper

 

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Ma'am," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday." There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.  "I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."

 

Dad Joke

 

You really should try archery while blindfolded. You don't know what you're missing.

Today’s Though

The first rule of passive aggressive club is...You know what, never mind. It’s fine.