Friday's Funnies

 Things I'm Great At

- Forgetting someone's name ten seconds after they tell me.

- Buying produce...and throwing it away two weeks later.
- Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.
- Making plans. And then immediately regretting making plans.
- Leaving laundry in the dryer until it wrinkles. Then turning on the dryer to remove the wrinkles. Then forgetting it again.
- Calculating how much sleep I'll get if I can just "fall asleep right now."

Wife’s Birthday

It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home. "Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving." "Where are you?" she asked. She wasn't happy when I said the 7th tee.

Parking Sign

Frog Parking Only. All others will be toad.

Waiter!

A waiter places a warm cup in front of the gentleman. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, "But, sir, you asked for fresh ground!"

 

Anger Management

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

 

Who Knew

It turns out when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick one of your own.

 

Puns

- The Roman emperor's wife hates playing hide and seek, because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.

- If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, whatever you do, don't play dead.
- I tried to steal some spaghetti, but the female guard saw me, and I couldn't get pasta.

- My friend Jon was going to a fancy dress party is an Italian island.  I told him, don't be Sicily.
- I'm not sure what you call a small spillage from a pen, but I have an inkling.
- My grandfather invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off.
- I used to work in a shoe recycling shop… It was "sole destroying."
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she dye.

- Once you see in one shopping center, you seen a mall.

- It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

- I'm a big fan of erasable whiteboards.  I find them quite remarkable.

- Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.  It was such a nice jester.

- To become a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

- The other day I tried to make a chemistry joke but got no reaction.

- It's funny, England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it has a Liverpool.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

- Is it true that when your clock is hungry, it goes back 4 seconds.

 

Failed Engine

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed, and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left." The guy in seat 17A turned to me and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

 

Good Question

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is accidentally killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." The boy replied, "What's God going to do with a dead cat?"

Waiting on the Doctor

If you have ever had to wait in a doctor's office for what it seems is like an eternity - you will appreciate this story. A doctor tells the story when he was having one of those days when he wondered whether he should have stayed in bed. He was running late on his appointments and had a headache. He got a surprise when he entered the next examining room. He opened the door with a little less than his usual enthusiasm only to find that his next patient had set him up. He had stretched out on the examining table, taken the sheet provided on the table and pulled it over his whole body and stuck a sign on his chest that simply stated: "TOO LATE!"

Dad Joke

Bread is a lot like the sun.

In what way?

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

Didn't knead this today!

Today’s Thought

Sometimes I amaze myself with the stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.