Friday's Funnies

 Things I'm super good at:

- Forgetting someone's name 10 seconds after they tell me.
- Buying produce...and throwing it away two weeks later.
- Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.
- Making plans. And then immediately regretting making plans.
- Leaving laundry in the dryer until it wrinkles. Then turning on the dryer to dewrinkle. Then forgetting it again.
- Calculating how much sleep I'll get if I can just "fall asleep right now."

Don’t Try It

It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "Hey, get out!"

Some things I'm pondering today

- The fact that Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.

- Pronouncing words that end in 'ough'. Cough, bough, rough, dough, through, though....

- Is the "S" or "C" in scent silent?

- Why does fridge have a "D" in it, but refrigerator doesn't?

- Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same but Joey and Joe aren't?

- You can drink a drink but you can't food a food.

- The word "queue" is just a Q followed by four silent letters

 

You know it's going to be a BAD DAY when...

- You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
- Your four-year-old greets you with the news that its almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
- You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
- Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

In A Hurry

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a friendly, nice person.

 

What’s The Difference

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

Notes Left for the Milkman (oldie But Goodie)

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way 'round."

"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

"Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed last night's Sopranos. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?"

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?"

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday... or is it today?"

"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk."

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No.14 either as he is dead until further notice."

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the poker player who broke his arm? He's finding it hard to deal with.

 

Today’s Thought

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half!