Friday's Funnies

 Reality

 

My heart says pie and ice cream, but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!

 

Job Hopping

 

I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.

Then I went to work for a company that prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.

So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premises, so I left.

After that I went to work for a demolition company. I got fired for breaking the cardinal rule of demolitions: Make sure you get the address right.

So I tried acting. I auditioned for the role of Hamlet, but it was not to be.

Finally, I got a job as a department store Santa, but they caught me drinking on the job, so they gave me the ol' heave ho ho ho.

Mixed Emotions

 

One youngster was explaining to another what "mixed emotions" meant. "It's like watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk," he said.

Kids Are Hilarious

 

10yo: "I just read that you have fingertips, but not toe tips, yet you can tiptoe, but not tipfinger."

Me: "It's 6 am."

 

7yo: "Can we have candy for dinner?"

Mom: "Why would that ever be OK?"

7yo: "Because you're tired and don't feel like cooking."

Someone's been watching me more closely than she should.

 

Dad: "Did you brush your teeth?"

8yo: "I don't need to."

Dad: "Why not?"

8yo: "Yesterday, I brushed them twice."

 

11yo: "I should get my allowance from when I was away at camp."

Mom: *raises an eyebrow*

11yo: "What, so now you won't support paid leave?"

 

My son said, "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

 

Happy

 

A genie granted me one wish, so I said, "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

 

Funny Q & A

 

Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?

A: An in-dentured servant.

 

Q: What do you call a garbage man with no nose?

A: Lucky.

 

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

 

Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road twice without taking a bath?

A. A dirty double crosser.

 

Q. Why did the chicken only cross the road halfway?

A. It wanted to lay it on the line.

 

Q. What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

A. Kids don't eat broccoli.

 

Q. What has four wheels and flies?

A. A trash truck.

 

Q: What did the digital watch say to the alarm clock?

A: Look, mom! No hands!

 

Q: What is a fisherman paid?

A: The net profits.

 

Q: What's a kangaroo's favorite year?

A: A leap year.

 

Dad Joke

 

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering.

 

Today's Thought

Which letter is silent in "scent" -- the C or the S?