Friday's Funnies

 The Winner

The winner has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been named.

Mr. Potato Head

He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

 

Overdramatic

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password. We'll see who's overdramatic in about 5 minutes.

 

Stuntmen

A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There were no injuries.

 

The Top Ten Ways The Bible Would Have Been Different If It Had Been Written By College Students

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning...cold.

9 The Ten Commandments would be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.

8. A new edition would be written every two years to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in comes the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

 

Task Force Authority

Two police officers, who are part of a task force, arrive at a cattle ranch. The officers tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there." One of the officers verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the state government with us."  Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer, "See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the two officers running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs: "Your badges! Show him your badges!"

 

More Church Bulletin Bloopers

~ Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

~ Come out this evening for a time of prayer and sinning.

~ Overeaters Anonymous meeting will be held at 8 pm in the large room.

~ Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

~ Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

~ Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well with my Solo"

~ Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

~ If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

~ Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford"

~ Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

~ Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

Lost Luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So, I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

 

Laryngitis

A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days. To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

 

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor? It was just a stage he was going through.

Today’s Thought

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?