Housework-Challenged Husband
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his
wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It
depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He
yelled back, "DENVER BRONCOS."
A Letter To God
A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the
President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money
to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to
write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for
sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, D.C., and the government deducted $95 in taxes.
Tactful
Some of the most tactful people on Earth are our English friends.
A British office supervisor once called a secretary in to give her the bad news
that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe,
I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting
Monday, we're going to try."
Reality
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an
emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."
Keyboard Shortcuts
A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster
way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of
those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All
command...
Caller: Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?
Agent: Well, you just press Control-A.
Caller (after a pause): Well, that's not working for me.
Agent: Do you have a text document open in front of you?
Caller: Yes, I sure do.
Agent: OK, now press Control-A.
Caller: I am, but nothing happens.
Agent: The text isn't highlighted?
Caller: No, there's no change at all.
Agent: That's odd. If you press Control-A the whole document
should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's
happening.
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): Listen. I'm pressing
Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?
The Carburetor
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you
know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the
carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm
sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the
husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the
swimming pool."
Opinions
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are
not necessarily those of his parents ..'
Police
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of
the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and
I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he
asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards
the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?
Elderly
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the
canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe
this!'
School
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm
just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!'
Dad Joke
Today I saw a robber
breaking into his own house. I guess he was working from home.
Today’s Thought
If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up...that's a
squat, right?
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