Friday's Funnies

 Taxes

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

Tax Thought

For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.

New Teller

First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.

Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week.
First man: Right. That's the one they're looking for.

Financial Difficulties

-          “The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car’s been repossessed… ”

-          “The bank returned a check to me stamped, “insufficient funds”. But is it them or me? “

-          “A man went to his bank manager and said, “I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?” “Simple, said the bank manager: Buy a big one and wait. “

-          “What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a Ferrari. “

-          “How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday “

 Changing Times

We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds, and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant. When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked. "No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."

New Chicken Farmer

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more." Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong? What did you do to them?" "Well," says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."

Baby

A small boy badly wanted a baby brother, so his dad suggested he pray every night for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but his prayers seemingly weren't answered. After a few weeks, he didn't bother to ask anymore. Some months later, his dad said they were going to see Mom in the hospital and he was going to get a big surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw his mother holding two babies. "Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" his dad asked. The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did."

Church Bulletin Bloopers

~ The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

~ The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

~ A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

~ The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

~ The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

~ The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

~ Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

~ The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.

~ The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

~ Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...

~ The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the final secretary gave a grief report.

Dad Joke

I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares. 

Today's Thought

Sometimes I feel as lonely as the 3rd verse of a Baptist Hymnal.