Christmas Knock, Knock Jokes
Knock, knock! Who's there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good Christmas joke?
Knock, knock. Who's there? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey know how long
it is until Santa gets here?
Mall Santa Claus
The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty
years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very
nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something, but it has to
be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?" "Something for my mother," said the
young lady. "Something for your
mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do
you want me to bring her? " Without blinking she replied, "A
son-in-law!"
If …
If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and laughing away,
While flying around in a miniature sleigh
With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,
then let's face it...
Your eggnog's too strong!
Buying Christmas Gifts For Men
Buying gifts for men on Christmas is not nearly as complicated as
it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a
man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the
word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through
with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a
99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his
rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have
worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the
little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and
flips.
Rule #5:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a
couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks.
Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows
why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)
Rule #6:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have
parts left over. No one knows why.
Rule #7:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr
Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA
Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It
doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must
be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
thanks.")
Rule #8:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound
propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge!
Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #9:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not
appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
knows why.
Rule #10:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw.
If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a
label maker.
Rule #11:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension
ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #12:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at
least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila
rope. No one knows why.
Dad Joke
How much does Santa pay for parking? Nothing, it’s on the house.
Today’s Thought
Bought a pack of animal crackers, but I had to take them back
because the seal was broken...
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