Friday's Funnies

 Fair Warning

My son, a West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, "Don't you give out warnings?" "Yes, ma'am, we sure do" he courteously replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed Limit 55.'"

Again For The First Time

Three gentlemen were all born the same year and decided to go to lunch together to celebrate turning 50. They decided to go out to the local German restaurant because they had pretty waitresses. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 60 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because the food was good. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 70 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they were handicapped accessible. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 80 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they had never been there before.

Funny Signs

 

-        I call my horse Mayo. Sometimes Mayo neighs.

-        Frog parking only. All others will be toad.

-        A dentist married a manicurist. They fought tooth and nail.

-        Dogs can't operate MRI scanners, but cats can.

-        I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, but I don't know Y.

-        When I was on the computer I couldn't find ESC and I lost CTRL.

-        Upholsterers never die; they just recover.

-        Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

The New Test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a policeman. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

 

WIFI

Prayer is the original wireless communication.

 

Things You Don’t Hear Any More

~ "Be sure to refill the ice trays."

~ "Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed."

~ "Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up."

~ "Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle."

~ "Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one."

~ "You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise."

~ "Don't sit too close to the TV. It's hard on your eyes."

~ "Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes."

~ "No! I don't have nine cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?"

~ "It's time for your system to get cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight."

~ "Quit crossing your eyes! They'll get stuck that way!"

 

Need a Lift?

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "These folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

So Old...

• She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth -- she lies about her age.
• She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated.
• When it comes to telling her age, she's shy -- about 10 years shy.
• I've stopped exercising. Pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.
• He's so old he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.
• He's so old he just got a solicitation from an old-age home marked "Urgent."

"Grandma's Memories"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, which hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. Then, after pausing to ponder all of this, she told her grandmother, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Dad Joke

 

Paid for a limousine and the driver never showed up. I paid all that money and got nothing to chauffeur it.

Today’s Thought

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a good electrician.