Friday's Funnies

 Job Interview

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?" The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

I Know How You Feel

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."

Quick Thinking

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

Movie Night

My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her. We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix. She's still mad at me.

Stupid Inventions

Black Highlighter
Braille Driver's Manual
Clear Correction Fluid
Fake Rhinestones
Inflatable Dart Board
Mesh Umbrella
Motorcycle Air Conditioner
Sugar Coated Toothpaste
Super-glue Post-it Notes

 

Paranoia

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...this morning I sneezed in front of my computer and the anti-virus program started running a scan on its own.

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.


Things I Learned From Scooby Doo

1. If you are traveling down a scary road in the middle of swamp country, plan on your van breaking down.

2. It is impossible to overuse the word "Like."

3. Never, ever, ever trust a man who goes by the nickname "Old Man Jones" and who manages an abandoned hotel or castle.

4. When in a hurry, dogs make great motorcycles...and water skis.

5. You can pull off some of the greatest scams with wire, bed sheets, and a hologram machine.

6. It's never a good idea to stop in an abandoned town for pizza - bad things happen.

7. Disco music and a submarine sandwich makes everything better.

8. Bad guys always hide behind paintings, so make sure you watch the eyes.

9. Whenever you need to split up, send the two most ignorant members of your party together - it's just plain fun.

Math

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

Genie

A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of exotic foods, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."

 

Dad Joke

I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.

Today’s Thought

I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.