Friday's Funnies

Notice:  Introverts, check in on your extrovert friends. They have no idea how this works.

Quarantine Diary

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic.

Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix.

Science Class

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.  After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"  After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Morning Sickness

Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.  "What's wrong Molly?" she asked.  Molly told her that she had morning sickness.  Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"  "I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied.  "I'm just sick of mornings."

Top Ten Signs You Picked A Discounted Video Streaming Service

10. Have to make sure you have enough quarters before starting

9. You hear tech support guy’s Mom yelling at him in the background

8. Have to pay a cover charge to enter group chat rooms

7. If you mis-type your password, it says “Close Enough”

6. You’re told to shake bag of chicken bones at screen when connection fails

5. Must use rolled up aluminum foil antenna to get a good signal

4. Their slogan: #PrettymuchvirusFree

3. Have to share your screen with an appliance salesman

2. “Shamwow!” commercials always cutting in on your web cam

1. Only one person per zip code can be on at once

The Wave

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side. This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear. Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.

Cooking Instructions

The inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." — until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible." The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."

Shelter in Place

Introvert View:

Finally, introverts experience a world that is suited for us. All events cancelled, we don't even have to go through the trouble of flaking out 4/24/2020. No one is making random small talk or physical contact. Everybody minding their business.

Extrovert view:

Once this is all over with, I'm hugging everybody. Get ready for long, awkward hugs. I'm gonna make it weird.

From The Mouths of Children

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

Today’s Thoughts

-          I wonder if God was so fed up with all our fighting down here that He sent us to our rooms.

-          Anybody else feel like they have cooked dinner 395 times this month already?