Friday's Funnies

New Year’s Resolutions

2016: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2017: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2018: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2019: I will work out 3 days a week.

2020: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Physical Fitness Class

During my physical fitness class, I had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedaling a bike. After several minutes, one man suddenly stopped.  "Why did you stop pedaling?" I shouted.  "I didn't stop," he said, wheezing. "I'm coasting."

Niagara Falls

A New Yorker noticed a guy in a cowboy hat and boots standing and staring at Niagara Falls. Figuring he must be a Texan he walks up beside him and says, "I bet you don't have anything like that in Texas do ya?"  The Texan replied, "No sir, we don't. But, we have a plumber in Waxahachie that can fix it!"

Just Catching Up

Cop:  You know how fast you were going?
Guy:  Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.
Cop:  What traffic? The road is empty.
Guy:  Yea, that's how far behind I am.

Call The Vet

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Sunday School Answer

One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds. He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off. He said that the people of the church were God's sheep. Then he asked, "If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?" (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.) After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: "Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd." The minister, caught by surprise, asked, "Well, then, who am I?" The boy frowned thoughtfully. "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

The Cure

A man came into the pharmacy and said to the pharmacist, "Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?" The pharmacist leaned over the counter and slapped the man's face. The man said "What did you do that for?" The pharmacist replied, "Well, you don't have any hiccups now, do you?" The man replied, "I never did. I came in for my wife who is out in the car."

Parting Thought

I was told that 70% of the population is stupid. I'm obviously with the other 40%.

Church

Leaving church one Sunday, a woman said to her husband, "Do you think that Flanagan girl is dyeing her hair?" "I didn't even see her," replied the husband. "And that skirt Mrs. Jones was wearing," continued the wife. "Don't tell me you thought that was appropriate attire for a mother of four??" "I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said the husband. "Huh!" scoffed the wife. "A lot of good it does bringing YOU to church."

New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Watch more TV and Netflix. I've been missing some good stuff.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work and on social media.

~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest ball of twine.

~ Stop bringing lunch from home - eat out more.

~ Don't have eight children at once.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Start being superstitious.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Don't believe politicians.

~ Break at least one traffic law.

~ Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

~ Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Wait for opportunity to knock.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Today’s Thoughts

My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.