Friday's Funnies

A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.  'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'  'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'  Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

My One And Only

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.  The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'  Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'   The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'  Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Girl: Yes, February 14th.

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?  Hogs and Kisses!

Why should you never breakup with a goalie?  Because he’s a keeper.

What's the best part about Valentine’s Day?  The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?  Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?  A hug and a quiche!

What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day?  Happy Independence Day!

If it is not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"

I Love You

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"  Some women answered ... "today," a few ... "yesterday," and some ... "can't remember." The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.   Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

~ Who IS this?

~ Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

~ Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

~ I don't understand what you mean?

~ What now? Did you wreck the car again? 

~ Am I dreaming?

~ Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

~ What did you do now?

~ If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

~ Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Boyfriend

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose.  Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.  Trying to be diplomatic, Mom said, "Dear, he just doesn't seem like the all-American boy you've dated before. He's not really that nice."  "Oh come on, Mom," replied the daughter. "If he wasn't that nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Lunch

I ate a salad for lunch today! Well, mostly croutons and tomatoes. Actually one big round crouton and tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE! It was a pizza. I ate a pizza for lunch!

Two Requests

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.  She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.  "Bloomingdales!" the pastor said. "Why Bloomingdales?" "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."

Fast Talker

At a country-club party, a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when he seriously proposed marriage after only 30 minutes.  "Look," she said, "we met only a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."  "You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past five years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

Today’s Thought

Did you know that Adam and Eve were the first couple to not read and understand the fine print on their Apple contract?