Friday's Funnies

15 Exercises We’d Be Better Off Without In 2017...

~ Jumping on the bandwagon                    

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles                         

~ Pushing your luck

~ Spinning your wheels                                

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall       

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum                                            

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions                                             

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments                                           

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

Wearing Out

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week." "Well," said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day." "That's nothing," said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in an hour!"

Bar Regular

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.  The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."  The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.  The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.  One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."  The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.  "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."  "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Questionnaire

An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"  He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello.

School

Jimmy's mother called out to him at seven in the morning, "Jimmy, get up! It's time for school." 

There was no answer. She called again, this time more loudly, "Jimmy get up! It's time for school." 

Once more there was no answer. Exasperated, she went to his room and shook him saying, "Jimmy, it's time to get ready for school."

He answered, "Mother, I'm not going to school. There are fifteen hundred kids at that school and every one of them hates me.  I'm not going to school."

"Get to school!" she replied sharply.

"But, Mother, all the teachers hate me, too.  I saw three of them talking the other day and one of them was pointing his finger at me. I know they all hate me, so I'm not going to school," Jimmy answered.

"Get to school NOW!" his mother demanded again.

"But, Mother, I don't understand. Why would you want to put me through all of that torture and suffering?" he protested.

"Jimmy, for two good reasons," she fired back.  "First, you're forty-two years old. Second, you're the principal."

Today’s Thought

My goal for 2017 is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013.