Friday's Funnies

A Message To Donald Trump From The Country Of The Netherlands

I’ve have never put a link into Friday’s Funnies.  And, I try to avoid political jokes as the receiving audience has wide views when it comes to politics.  However, this link is funny no matter what side of the wall fence you are on!  Enjoy:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-xxis7hDOE&t=41s

Refrigerator Goals

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.  I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."  A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."  Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."  Finally, my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

The Optimist and the Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.  If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.  Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.   Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.   The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.  That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.  "Why are you crying?" the father asked.  "Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimistic twin.  Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.  "What are you so happy about?" he asked.  To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Reality TV

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.  As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, "Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"

Healthy Eating

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.  When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.  As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."  Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.  The old man asked, "What are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."  Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."  With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.  The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Real Pearls?

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.  "My dear," said the first woman "Are those real pearls?"  "They are," replied the second woman.  "Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled the first woman.  The second responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth." 

Twin Beds

An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.  Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."  "Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.  Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."  Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."

Ladies With Typewriters

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.

            

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM ... The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Today’s Thought

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.