Friday's Funnies

Toilet Name

A man decided to call his toilet the Jim instead of the John.  He said it sounds better when he tells people he goes to the Jim everyday.

School Best Sellers

Walking To School The First Day Back
by Misty Bus

The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me
by I. Rhoda Bike

Can't See The Chalkboard
by Sidney Backrow

Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School
by Major Crackupp

What I Dislike About Returning To School
by Mona Lott

Making It Through The First Week Of School
by Gladys Saturday

Is Life Over When Summer Ends?
by Midas Welbee

What I Love About Returning To School
by I. M. Kidding

Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?
by I. Betty Wont

What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School
by U. Will Gettitt

Remembering Dates

Because I had forgotten the dates for the birthdays and anniversaries of a number of my friends and relatives, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.  "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.  "Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

One-month Vacation

WIFE: "Honey, the doctor has advised me to take a one-month vacation at some pleasant place like Switzerland or France. Where shall we go?"  HUSBAND: "To another doctor!"

Retirement

Now that I am getting older, I have done my research on retirement. I have found that the average cost for a nursing home is $300.00 per day. I decided that there must be a better way to deal with getting old and feeble yet having my needs met. This is my recommendation:

I have found that I can get a nice room at the local Holiday Inn for $99.00 per day. That leaves $201.00 a day for food (brought directly to you by room service), laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. This cost includes use of a swimming pool, a lounge, a washer and dryer, and a business center with computers and a copy machine plus a free continental breakfast. They provide free shampoo and soap along with toothbrushes, toothpaste, and razors as required. I will have daily maid service and a free USA Today Monday through Friday. When I do decide to eat in the restaurant, I see different people every day, not the same old fogies that I would see in the dining room of a nursing home. If I join their frequent travelers “Priority Club,” I will soon accumulate enough points to get a DVD player or a free trip to Hawaii.

There may be a bit of a wait to get a first floor room, but that’s okay because most of the time it takes months to get into a decent nursing home. The Holiday Inn has a handicapped equipped bus (if you fake a good enough limp), access to a church bus, cabs, and even the regular bus. Occasionally, for a change for lunch or dinner, I can take the airport bus and eat in one of the restaurants there.

Holiday Inn has security at night and if someone sees you fall, they will call an ambulance that should arrive promptly in five to seven minutes, quicker than the time it would take to get medical help to you in a nursing home. They have 24/7 visiting hours. As a bonus, they offer senior discounts. What more can you ask for?

My conclusion: When I reach those golden retirement years, please help me keep my grin. Just pack my bags and drop me off at our local Holiday Inn.

Garbage collector

Guy 1: "Has your little boy decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

Guy 2: "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector."

Guy 1: "That's a rather strange ambition, isn't it?"

Guy 2: "Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays."

Golf

The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.  "Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.  "No," replied the man. "It's my ball!"

Today’s Thought

I wonder how the size of hail was described before the game of golf was invented!