Friday's Funnies

Happy Valentine’s Day

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Sherwood

Sherwood who?

Sherwood like to be your valentine!

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

A hog and kisses!

What did the Valentines card say to the stamp?

Stick with me and we'll go places!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

"I'm sweet on you!"

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

"I find you very attractive."

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my i's on you!"

Why do valentines have hearts on them?

Because spleens would look pretty gross!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?

"I've got a crutch on you!"

Notice

I was working at a gas station and decided to quit, so I gave the boss a two-week notice. I said, "Yo, boss. In two weeks you'll notice that I haven't been here for two weeks."

Praying for Peas

Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal.  One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to stay their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my four-year-old finished, her three-year-old sister kept on praying.  Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, "Hey!

My peas are still here!"

Puns: The Tates

Do you know how many members of the TATE family belong to our organization?

There is old man DICK TATE who wants to run everything, while Uncle RO TATE tries to change everything.

Their sister, AGI TATE, stirs up plenty of trouble with help from her husband, IRRI TATE.

Whenever new projects are suggested, HESI TATE and his wife, VEGI TATE, want to wait until next year.

Brother FACILI TATE is quite helpful in group matters.

And a happy member is Ms. FELICI TATE.

Cousins COGI TATE and MEDI TATE always think things over and lend a helpful steady hand.

And, of course, there is the bad seed in the family, AMPU TATE, who has cut himself off completely from the rest of the organization.

(Terrible) Excuses Why Men Forget a Gift on Valentine's Day

10. The florist couldn't find your house. Did you move?

9. I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.

8. The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the best.

7. I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again!

6. I left a voice message to meet me for dinner. Where were you?

5. I didn't know you liked jewelry.

4. I thought Saint Valentine's Day was a Catholic holy day.

3. Your mailman must have been shot in a post office massacre.

2. I thought we would do something different this year.

1. You didn't remind me.

Preacher and Cab Driver

A preacher dies, and when he gets to heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."  The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"  The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."  The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Today’s Thought

ESP is real...I read about it in tomorrow's paper.