Friday's Funnies

Happy Birthday Texts for a 16 Year Old

1.            Hpy 16th Bday! Dnt Txt N Drv!

2.            Congrats! You're Driving! Now Put Down the Phone!

3.            U Put the Sweet in Sweet 16!

4.            16 X's and 16 O's! <3 o:p="">

5.            Yay! I have another chauffeur!

6.            This text is your present! Ha ha!

Flowers

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.”  The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.  After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’” 

Higher Education

A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.  Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.  "Well," says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."  "Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."  The dog says, "Meow!"

Puns

-         I once saw a tribal chief eat an entire Websters dictionary. We gave him castor oil for a week but never got a word out of him.

-         The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

-         The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The Library

A guy goes into a library and says to the librarian, "I would like a Coke, some fries and a cheeseburger."  The librarian, exasperated, replies, "Sir, do you have any idea where you are at?"   He looks around ... "Oh, excuse me!"  Then whispers, "I would like a Coke, some fries and a cheeseburger."

Definition of Old

·         I've sure gotten old!  I have outlived my feet and my teeth, I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.  I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

·         An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.  "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"  "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

·         My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

·         Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

·         It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

Hand it to me

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying the plate.  "Are you crazy?" complained the customer, "you have your hand on my steak!"  "What," answers the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers

-         If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

-         We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

-         Newsletters are not being mailed to absentees because of their weight.

-         Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

-         Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

Groaner

A Russian and a Czechoslovakian were out hunting one day and were attacked and eaten by a Mama Bear and a Papa Bear. The two bears were finally found and shot. They took both bears back for an autopsy. They found the Czech was in the male.

The Request

A man walking on the beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly God spoke to him saying that because he had always been faithful, one wish would be granted to him. The man said he wanted a bridge to Hawaii so he could drive there. God said his wish was materialistic, would take too many natural resources and was far, far too difficult. God said the man should think of another wish. The man thought for a time, then said he wished that he could understand his wife, know her feelings, what she wants, and why she gives him the silent treatment and yet says nothing is wrong. The Lord considered that for a moment, then replied, "On that bridge, do you want two lanes or four lanes?"

Today’s Thought

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.