Friday's Funnies

And Good Night

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops."

Truck

A mother was practicing the alphabet with her four-year-old son, Tommy. She showed him a picture of a truck and asked, "What is this?" "A truck," Tommy replied. Then she pointed to the letter T and asked, "What does it start with?" Without hesitation, Tommy replied, "A key!"

Inspiring Service

After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published." The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously." "Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!"

Modern Art Museum

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.  "This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"  "No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

Advice

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.  "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"  "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."  He's still sleeping on the couch.

 

All Done

My twin boys were only seven years old when their paternal grandmother announced she was getting remarried. We were all thrilled for her, since she had seemed so lonely since Grandpa passed away a few years before. We broke the news to our boys, who were sitting in the back of the car. "Grandma is getting married again," we said. Jon had a look of thoughtfulness on his face for a while. He finally asked, "Is she going to have more children?" Before we had a chance to respond, his twin brother Mike shot back this answer: "No! She can't. She already had them. It's like chicken pox. Once you get them, you can't get them again."

Good Advice

Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.

Actual Proofreading Errors  

• Important Notice: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
• It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
• In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
• Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
• In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
• Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
• In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
• The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
  
  

Skeptic

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody.  Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.  Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"  The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr.  Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."  So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.  One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"  But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

 

Today’s Thought

 

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.