Friday's Funnies

Counting

The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. "Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."  "Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said. "Three," replied Andy.  "Very good. What comes after five, Andy?" asked the teacher. "Six," answered Andy.  "Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.  "A jack!" replied Andy.

Goal!

A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes. On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"

Wrong Wording

 

First guy: "I'm really in the doghouse. I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask."

Second guy: "What kind of question?"

First guy: "She asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat, and ugly."

Second guy: "That's easy. You just say, 'Of course I will.'"

First guy: "Yeah, that's what I meant to say.  But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

 

Counting

 

A father and son were riding in their truck together one day and the son asked the father, "Dad, how high can you count?"  The father replied, "Well, I don't know, son -- how high can you count?"  The son immediately replied, "One thousand, five hundred, forty-two."  The father said, "Why did you stop?"  The son shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, church was over."

 

French Police

 

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.  The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.  Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French law why he is going to be arrested.  The Englishman answers with humor: "No, sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving ... on the other side?"

  

Medical Condition

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true??" she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"  "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.  There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'!"

 

Blond Joke

 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.  The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.   She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ‘What does it look like?' she finally asked.  The policewoman replied, ‘It's square and it has your picture on it.’  The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.  The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,' Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.’

 

You have lost something

 

A wife called her husband as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and the husband could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me.  And now I can't find it!"  The husband replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?" There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

 

Laws still on the books

 

Connecticut:
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Illinois:
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Iowa:
Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

West Virginia:
No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

Oklahoma:
Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.

Calorie burning

 

I just burned 1,200 calories.  I forgot the pizza in the oven.

 

Today’s Thought

 

People who are wrong can be hard to correct. People who are right can be hard to live with.