Friday's Funnies

Getting Older

Old Guy:  "Doc, I got aches and pains all over! Can you fix me?"
Doctor:  "You're in excellent shape for 90!  I'm not a magician — I can't make you any younger."
Old Guy:  "Who asked you to make me younger? Just make sure I get older!"

The Spoiler

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He signals to the usher and says, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip." So, the usher moves him to the center of the third row, and the man, after a high five, hands the usher a quarter. Yep. A mere 25 cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, smiles, leans over, and quietly whispers, "The wife did it."

Media Bias

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon. "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog." "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut." "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

The City That Never Sleeps

Our family was dazzled by the sights and the bustling crowds during a visit to Manhattan. "This is the city that never sleeps," I told my eleven-year-old daughter. She thought about that for just a moment before concluding, "That's probably because there's a Starbucks on every corner."

The Ultimatum

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the band leader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. It's up to you — sync or swim."

Okay!

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a "high-five."

Wise Words

You wouldn't be worried about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they actually do.

'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?

 

These two persons are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced "Havaii" or "Hawaii."  So there they stood arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. So they asked a gentleman: "Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"  The gentleman said, "Havaii."  So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, "Thank you."  The gentleman replied, You're velcome."

 

Isn’t It True?

 

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.  "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?"  The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.  Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, "Please answer the question."  "Oh," said the startled

witness, "I thought he was talking to you."

 

Expenses

 

My brother was recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it. He was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.  "If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."  He smiled. "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

 

They Live Among Us

 

Leo and Sam exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key, which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it."  "No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will think we're trying to break in."  So Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?"  "No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."  "Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"

 

Ticket

 

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.  The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"  I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero."  He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."

 

Today’s Thought

 

How come one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?