Friday's Funnies

Pastor Appreciation Month

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No," he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No," she said. "Good," he replied.

What A Show

Teacher:  There will be an eclipse of the moon tonight. Perhaps your parents will let you stay up to watch it.
Pupil:  What channel is it on?

Rules Are Rules

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

I Miss Chicago

I was in Ft. Myers, Florida, the other day, and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."  So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

You Know You’re No Longer A Kid When…

 ~ Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.

~ Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

~ The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

~ Being bad is no longer cool.

~ You have friends who have kids.

~ Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

~ You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's play land.

~ Your parents' jokes are now funny.

~ You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

~ Naps are good.

~ Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.

~ When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

~ The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.

~ You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

~ Your idea of fun parties now include chips 'n' salsa and Snapple.

~ You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.

~ You WANT clothes for Christmas.

~ You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.

~ You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

Surgery

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.  "What's the matter?" he was asked.  He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"  "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"  "She wasn't talking to me.  She was talking to my surgeon!"

 Genesis

A father was reading the Bible to his little girl before bedtime one night. He was on the first chapter of Genesis. "In the beginning, the world was without form and void," the father read. "And God said, 'Let there be light.' ...And God separated the light from the dark." "I know what happens next!" the little girl exclaimed excitedly. "What happens next?" asked the father, smiling. The girl replied, "God did two loads of laundry."

Trivia

1. Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?

2. Do you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

3. And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"?

Today's Thought

A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.