Easter Sunday
One Easter Sunday morning as
the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props
and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children,
"What's in here?" "I
know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"
Hearing Problem
"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."
"I'll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in
the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea
how bad the problem is. Here's what you do:
start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational
speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet,
then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and
he's in the living room. In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for
supper?"
No response.
So the husband moves to the other end of the room and
repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for
supper?"
No response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey,
what's for supper?"
Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, Harry, CHICKEN!"
Senior Moment
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I
desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized that I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed
for the parking lot.
My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the
keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose
them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors
of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion: her theory was right. The
parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my
location, confessing that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been
stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times
like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had
been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice. "Ken," she barked,
"I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,
"Well, come and get me." Diane
retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
your car!"
The Visitors
Suzi, my cousin, was telling me about an evening service at the church we've both attended for years. She and her husband usually sat in the back, but this time they moved up front to be sure to hear the Scripture reading. They sat beside a long-time church member who cheerfully said, "Good to have ya with us! Where y'all from?" Taken by surprise, Suzi mumbled, "The back."
Whatever the Customer Wants
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer, who was walking out the door, and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" "Rain."
Good Answer
I was helping out with a tennis camp for little kids. At the beginning, the tennis pro running the event was talking about a good sportsmanship. He asked "Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?" This cute little 5-year-old raised his hand, got called on, and said "baseball."
Humorous Headlines
Suzi, my cousin, was telling me about an evening service at the church we've both attended for years. She and her husband usually sat in the back, but this time they moved up front to be sure to hear the Scripture reading. They sat beside a long-time church member who cheerfully said, "Good to have ya with us! Where y'all from?" Taken by surprise, Suzi mumbled, "The back."
Whatever the Customer Wants
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer, who was walking out the door, and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" "Rain."
Good Answer
I was helping out with a tennis camp for little kids. At the beginning, the tennis pro running the event was talking about a good sportsmanship. He asked "Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?" This cute little 5-year-old raised his hand, got called on, and said "baseball."
Humorous Headlines
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
No comments:
Post a Comment