Quiz
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I
hope there's no pop quiz.
Punny Thoughts
- I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but
eventually it came back to me.
- I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
- What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing
- but it let out a little whine.
- The primary responsibility for a child's education is
apparent.
- For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.
- The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop it a
line.
- Her company distributes gift-boxed cashews, and she has
a delivery guy that drives her nuts.
Simple as 1, 2 and 4
At a high school, a group of students played a prank:
they let three goats loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the
goats: 1, 2, and 4.
School administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
Price Reduction
Our minister announced that admission to a church social
event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65,"
he said, " the price will be only $5.50." From the back of the congregation, a woman's
voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for
only 50 cents?"
CHILDREARING Q&A
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or
the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an
air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room
while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything
to you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin
to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
A Paradigm
What do you call it when you move two 10 cent coins from
one pocket to the next?
A PARADIGM shift.
Tourists
A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide
asked the tourists to gather around and then said, "You are standing on
the very spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man in the group asked, "When did that
happen?" "1215," the
guide answered. The tourist looked at
his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an hour."
Funeral arrangements
While my parents were making pre-planning funeral
arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they
would like. “You’ll have a beautiful
view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a
periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
Good spelling
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when
an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to
set him straight. “Decipher is spelled
with a ‘ph’, not an ‘f’,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker
comes free with your Microsoft program.”
A minute later his reply: “Must be dephective.”
Today’s Thought
Sleeping with the light on may cause obesity...Especially
if it's the refrigerator light.
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