Friday's Funnies

Salesman

One day a salesman stopped by the Jones farm, knocked, and Mrs. Jones came to the door.  “Is your husband home, Ma’am?” he asked.  “Sure is. He’s over to the cow barn.”  “Well, I got something to show him, Ma’am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?”  “Shouldn’t have any problem … He’s the one with the beard and mustache.”

A short history of medicine

Patient: “I have an ear ache.”
Physician:
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

The Preacher and the Cab Driver

A preacher dies, and when he gets to heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more rewards. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation." The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Well, once in a while someone fell asleep." The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

Redneck Lunch

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."  The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."  The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."  The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped too. The redneck opened his lunch, saw the bologna, and jumped to his death also.  At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"  The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.   "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He made his own lunch!"

How to Get Really Smart

A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marveled at the owner’s quick wit and intelligence.  ‘Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?’   ‘I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone, ‘Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear.’ But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.’  ‘You sell them here?’ the customer asks.  ‘Only $4 apiece’, says Simon.  The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.  ‘You didn’t eat enough, ‘says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.  ‘Hey, Simon, ‘he complains, ‘you’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you’re ripping me off!’  ‘You see?’ says Simon, ‘you’re smarter already.’

Funny Advice From Children

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, 10.

2. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14.

3. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10.

4. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. – Taylia, 11.

5. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14.

6. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9.

7. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9.

8. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10.

9. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13.

10. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8.

MILITARY WISDOM

- If the enemy is in range, so are you. - Infantry Journal

- "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - Infantry Sgt.

- "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Infantry Recruit

- "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him." - Infantry Journal

- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." - Unknown

- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." -Multi-Engine Training Manual

- "Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club." - Unknown

- "If you hear me yell, 'Eject, Eject, Eject!' the last two will be echoes. If you stop to ask 'Why?', you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot." - Pre-flight briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot

- Never trade luck for skill. – Unknown

- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Today’s Thought

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.