More funny signs
In A Safari Park:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
At a propane filling station: “Tank heaven for little grills.”
Message On A Leaflet:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
At The Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t,
you will be.”
On A Scientist’s Door:
“Gone Fission”
On A Taxidermist’s Window:
“We really know our stuff.”
Outside A Hotel:
“Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
At A Farmer’s Field:
“The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull
charges.”
On A Billboard – Ad For A Safe Company: “If your stuff is stolen, it’s not our
vault.”
On a fence: “Salesmen
welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
At a car dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
The Collection Selection
One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Bible Q&A
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else
was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a
Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he
no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. What's the phone number of the Garden of Eden?
A. ADAM-8-1-2
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker
in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always
overflowing.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
The Lord's Prayer
From San Francisco:
When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our
Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was
God's real name.
Missoula, MT:
My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father,
who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
Uniontown, OH:
I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day
our jelly bread."
Grand Junction, CO:
When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a
snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get
into trouble.
Today’s Thought
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful.
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