Friday's Funnies

Modern technology

I was visiting my daughter last week. I asked her a simple question – could I borrow the newspaper? “This is the 21st century Dad”, my daughter said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.”  I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!

Collecting...

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist, as the police officer handed him a receipt for his speeding traffic fine. "Keep it," the officer advised. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle."

Don't wash your hair in the shower

It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!  INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT WARNING!  I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!  I use shampoo in the shower.  When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:  “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
No wonder I have been gaining weight!  Well! I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads:  “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”  Problem solved!  If I don’t answer the phone I’ll be in the shower!

Good Neighbors

After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins. "Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff." The neighbor then stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"

Ouch

So a pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from a little bird poop." "It was my first day with the hook."

Goldmine!

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”

First class Blonde

A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.  The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.  She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.  The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m staying right here!"  The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.  The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her original seat.  The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m staying right here!"  The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.  The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this - I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde."  He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh! I'm sorry!" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.  The flight attendant and co-pilot are dumbstruck and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss?  "I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto... "

Don't worry

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

Walking out

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”  “I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.

“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the churchgoer.  “Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

Tea for two

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.  When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.  The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.  “Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother asked.  “I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.  His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:  “Don’t get excited, Ma, I used the old one!”

Thought

If a tomato is a fruit, does that make ketchup a smoothie?