Move the car
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
“I have to ask you to move your car,” Cal told him.
“Oh, sure. Is it in someone’s way?”
“No,” Cal replied, “it’s at the wrong address.”
Languages
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.
“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?” No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”
Driving complaint
I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there’s this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror … shaving!!!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he’s halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.
The Trouble With Dating
Dating is complicated. You don't believe us? Here are some examples:
Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook.
My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through.
I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.
It's About Time
A few weeks after the death of my father-in-law, I found my seven-year-old son crying in bed. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard. "You know, Kyle," I said, "when we die, we'll get to see Grandma and Grandpa again in heaven."
With tears spilling down his face, Kyle cried, "That's easy for you to say. You don't have that long!"
Curious Chimp
Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other.
Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species.
Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"
The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother… "
Keeping secrets
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”
“I don’t know about that,” answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”
“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.
“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”
Marriage Counselor
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
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