Friday's Funnies

Father’s Day

Father's Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one. When I looked back, he was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots every which way. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Haven't you found a nice card for Daddy yet?" "No. I'm looking for one with money in it."

Dad Wins

A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?" After no more than a moment of thought, five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"

Dad's Admiration

I heard of a young mother who went down to the nursery at a hospital and found her young husband peering down at his newborn baby who was asleep. The mother could tell he was captivated by the scene as he stood there looking toward the sleeping infant, seemingly just in awe. She was so touched that finally she tiptoed up behind him and slipped her arm through his and said, "honey, what are you thinking about?" He whispered, "I just can't understand how they're able to make a crib like that for just $89.95."

The List

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores. For fun, I put down as Item #5: "Think about your wife a lot." After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each item except No. #5 had been crossed off. "What's this!" I exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?" My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, "I started to, but just never finished."

Adult Truths

1. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
4. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
5. Was learning cursive really necessary?
6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
7. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
8. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
9. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
10. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
11. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
12. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
13. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
14. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
15. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
16. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

Computer terminology

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art – Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete – Any computer you own.

Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 – Apple’s new Macs that make you say “Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.”

Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.”

Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced “gooey”)

Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.