Friday's Funnies

The Reason For It

Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Always Go the Extra Mile." In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled, "That's Because We Missed the Last exit."

Cafeteria Rules

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

Have You Ever Wondered....

why the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?

why you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

why they don't just make the entire airplane out of the same material as those indestructible black boxes?

Now That's Bad

Two brothers, both farmers, were talking on the phone. One asks the other how bad the drought is. The other replied, "Well it's got so bad they've closed two lanes at the local swimming pool."

Making Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made an ugly face, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Different Interpretation

You, "said the doctor to his patient, "are in terrible shape. You've got to do something about it. First, tell your wife to cook more nutritious meals. Stop working like a dog. To reduce stress, inform your wife you're going to make a budget and she has to stick to it. And have her keep the kids off your back so you can relax. Unless there are some changes in your life, you'll probably be dead in a month." "Doc," the patient said, "this would sound more official coming from you. Could you please call my wife and give her those instructions?" When the fellow got home, his wife rushed to him. "I talked to the doctor," she wailed. "Poor man, you only have 30 days to live."

Wrong?

One day when my sister was about three years old, she put her shoes on. As three year-olds sometimes do, she put them on the wrong foot. My mother said, "Denise you have your shoes on the wrong feet!" My sister looked down and innocently said, "But mommy, these are the only feet I have!"

Real Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

The sermon

They say that a preacher’s wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went. The Preacher shrugged and said, “The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but,” he continued, “I just don’t think the sermon ever got off the ground.” The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, “Well, it sure did taxi long enough!”