Friday's Funnies

Therapy

My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

The Fall

When the Methodist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was an experience, how do I learn from it?" When the Catholic priest falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "I must have done something really bad to deserve that." When the Presbyterian minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "That was inevitable, I'm glad it’s over." When the Baptist minister falls down the stairs, he picks himself up and says, "Which one of my deacons pushed me?"

Proof

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure Honey. You carry the suitcases!"

Ten Things You Never Hear in Church

1. "Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!"
2. "I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime."
3. "Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf."
4. "I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV evangelists."
5. "I'll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."
6. "Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!"
7. "I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before."
8. "Since we're all here, let's start the service early!"
9. "Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."
10. "Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment to the Lord like our annual stewardship campaign."

+++++

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.'There's no charge,' she says.'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.''So I just switched the heads.'

+++++

Fair price

A professor handed out the test to his students and returned to his desk to wait. When the test was over, the students filed over and handed in their papers.

As the professor was going through the submissions, he noticed one student had taped a hundred dollar bill to his test. On the bill the student had written 'A buck a point'.

The next day the professor handed back the tests.

The student who had attached the hundred also received an envelope containing 64 dollars. On it was written 'Here's your change'.

Tonsillectomy

A family was on the way to the hospital where their teenager was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they discussed how the procedure would be performed.

"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without missing a beat his father replied, "They're going to give you a phone."