Friday's Funnies

Unplugged

In my job as an electronics salesman, I've seen the rise in popularity of sport-utility vehicles and minivans, which has created a market for rear-seat entertainment. Monitors that keep passengers occupied with movies and television have been selling like crazy. One day as I was showing a young couple how a monitor could play videos, DVD's, and even pick up local TV stations, the husband asked matter-of-factly, "Does it get cable?"

My Mistake

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

How He Does It

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

Truth In Labeling

Our supply clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH! Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!

+++++

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a very surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."

+++++

"Name that boat"

A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept saying that they could not afford one, but he bought one anyway.

"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.

When the man went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."

+++++

"Baby coming?"

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day his mother allowed him to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and cried, "I think Mommy ate it!"

+++++

"Snakes"

Two snakes were out taking a stroll when one turned to the other and asked, "Are we poisonous?"

"Why yes we are," said the second.

Again the first snake asked, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"

"Yes we are very poisonous."

Again the snake asked, "Are we really, really poisonous?"

"Yes we are really, really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"

"I just bit my lip!"