One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"
When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was discovered that the head of that family was a police officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"
"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
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OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
POLICE
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
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While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
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At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight.
A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three pounds."
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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