Funnies for February 15, 2008

The Valentine Sprit

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

In Her Dreams

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You shall know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

What NOT to give her for Valentines Day:

- A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
- Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
- Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
- Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey or Angelina Jolie.
- Flowers from a hospital's gift shop -- or worse, a mortuary's.
- Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out, "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
- Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
- Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
- A gift certificate or cash.
- Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
- An apologetic look and the words, "That was today?"

The Whistle

During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!"

The New Greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

Arrival Confirmation

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there now."

Visiting Grandpa

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

A Matter Of Timing

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor. "They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"

Playing Hookie

My four year old niece (which is also my goddaughter) told me that she and her little friend at school were going to play hookie from school the next day. I asked her if she knew what playing hookie meant. She said, "That is where you put a hook on a fishing pole and go fishing."

Mom's Present

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and Dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "It'll be a couple of weeks before your father gets the bill."

Confused

An elderly lady kept coming out of her house and walking to the mail box. She would look in it and the slam it shut and storm back into the house. A neighbor man who was working in his yard watched her. Finally after she had done this for a third time, he asked, "Is something wrong?" She answered disgustedly, "Yes, my computer keeps saying, 'You've got Mail''! but when I look there is nothing there!