Friday's Funnies

"Error messages"

Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression.

"We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror.

The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

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You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink.""Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."

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"Garden of Eden"

Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.

Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.

"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.

Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."

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"Flattered"

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."

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"Perfect Golf Shot "

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what in the world is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Goodness!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in the world of hitting her from here."