Friday's Funnies

Medical Exam

Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations." Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!" Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull trough that spelling test."

Fitness Class

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor. "I'm here to do my postnatal exercises." The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your baby?" "Twenty-six," I replied.

Hearing Aid

Wally goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Wally slowly rises from his chair and gets in line. When it's his turn the preacher says, "Wally, what you want me to pray about?" Wally says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." So the preacher puts his right finger in Wally's right ear and his left hand on top of his head and prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left finger in Wally's left ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays some more. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and says, "Wally, how's your hearing now?" Wally says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday."

+++++

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "She was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

+++++

A blonde and her husband have been in bed listening to their next door neighbor's dog. The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

Finally, the blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says,"I put the dog in our backyard. Now let's see how THEY like it."

+++++

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and
asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? - Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? - It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge? - No, we have
carport, and not need one.

I mean, what are your relations like? - All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? - We have hi-fidelity stereo and
good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? - No, I always up before her.

Why do you want this divorce? - She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? - I got proof.

What kind of proof? - She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"