Funnies for 12/21/2007

SHOPPING EARLY

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" The prisoner looked up and explained, "Before the store opened."

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A SNOWMAN

- It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
- Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
- Wearing white is always appropriate.
- Winter is the best of the four seasons.
- It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
- There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
- The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
- We're all made up of mostly water.
- You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
- Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
- Avoid yellow snow.
- Don't get too much sun.
- It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
- It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
- Always put your best foot forward.
- There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

+++++

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us, Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

+++++

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill, they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

+++++

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"

The dentist said, "Well, that's probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll have to make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome"

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

+++++

Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

+++++

THE TRUTH
When Arnie assumed his first pastorate, he was eager to make sure the church's employees would like him. Consequently, he called them together shortly before Christmas Day and told them that each of them would receive a turkey. "In fact," he added, "as long as I'm around, you will always have a turkey."

+++++

YOU KNOW YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID WHEN...

- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
- You have friends who have kids.
- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
- Your parents' jokes are now funny.
- Naps are good.
- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
- You WANT clothes for Christmas.