Funnies for 11/16/2007

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

+++++

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

+++++

Test for ya...

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Redneck from Montana? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

- You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
- You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.
- You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
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Democrat's answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Am I wrong to profile him this quickly as a Muslim? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Should we run away and avoid a confrontation? What does my wife think? What about the kids? What will our neighbors think? What does the law say about this situation? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
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Republican's answer:

BANG!

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Redneck answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice shootin', Daddy! Were those the silver tips or hollow points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one?
Wife: And you ain't taking this one to the taxidermist.

+++++

The Wal-Mart Cat

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!