Funnies for 12/28/2007

"The pearly gates"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years."

St.Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

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"Sign language for the dentist"

You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you could use to express yourself without having to mumble.

Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the ceiling above the dentist chair.

It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself. The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourself and could fix the problem right away.

1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.

2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running down my neck.

3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?

4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with that incredibly sharp tool.

5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.

6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?

7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.

8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.

9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.

10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I will take that paper mask off your face.

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NATURAL BORN
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States. After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, little Arnie raised his hand. "Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"

LOST IN CANADA

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.

Finally they came into a city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so they pulled up to the curb, and the lady rolled down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"

The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

CAR ADS, TRANSLATED

- Two tone paintwork - Original color and rust
- One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything
- 10,000 trouble-free miles - crashed in the last 20 feet
- Heated rear window - so you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter
- Very clean - only washed if and when it rains
- Lady owner - the glove box is full of half-used cosmetics
- Clean interior - all the rubbish is under the floormats
- Immobiliser - the gear shift comes off in your hand
- Anti-theft device - I can let you have a rottweiler cheap
- Drives beautifully - in a straight line; the steering is all over the place
- Low mileage - the odometer is on its third time around
- Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week
- Economical - doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph

ENVIRONMENTALIST

My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory”.