Friday's Funnies

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
2. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).
3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
4. I will answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
5. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
6. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily ... well, once a week ... okay, monthly then ... or maybe ...
7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
8. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL ... LOL!"
10. I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.
11. I will think of a password other than "password."
12. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning ... 4:30 is much more practical.
13. I resolve ... I resolve to ... I resolve to, uh ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er ... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

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New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep

Have you broken your last New Year's Resolutions? Well, here's a rather crazy list that you can keep.

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

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Getting older

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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College Grad

A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how."

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The Bathroom Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director:

"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"OH I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"