Funnies for 11/09/2007

LEXIOGRAMS
-A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
-What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
-A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
-With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
-When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
-The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
-A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
-When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
-Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
-When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

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MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says. "HE BREWS"

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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

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HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's work boots size 14-16 (used).

2. Place them on front porch, along with a copy of Gun And Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hay Bubba,
"Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and me gone for more ammunition. Will be back in one hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all of the dog's in the house. Better just wait outside until we can get back."

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"Wedding dress"

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.

"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."

"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"