Funnies for 10/26/07

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

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DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Fun - Annoying
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired

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When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men and she asked him why they were they and he said on TV they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers In His Car.

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MISTAKEN IDENTITY

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG

- No one expects you to take a bath every day.
- If it itches, you can scratch it.
- There's no such thing as bad food.
- A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.
- If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
- You can lie around all day without worrying about being fired.
- You're always excited to see the same people.
- Having big feet is considered an asset.
- Puppy love can last.

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Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin.
"Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.
"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.
"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."