Funnies for 6/22/2007

THE DREAM
Jacob, 4, was having breakfast with his family one morning when he announced to his mom, Julie, that he had had a dream the night before. "And you were in it," he declared. "What happened in your dream?" Julie asked. Jacob responded, "Don't you remember? You were in it!"

WHAT DARWIN FORGOT
If evolution is true, why do mothers still have only one pair of hands?

FOLLOWING THROUGH...
I've been told that a way to feel better is to finish things I have started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

NOAH
Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply!" He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply." "We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."

THE CROSSING
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing. As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one worker looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

ANIMAL SOUNDS
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'." "Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow'." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'." "Arnie, what sound does a mouse make?" Arnie paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other women!

+++++

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory”.

I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years”.

+++++

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"

+++++

My sister, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." Perfect, my sister thought, and took the dog. Then one day, two men in a parking lot approached her, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.