Friday, June 8, 2007

THE BOSS

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."

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PROOF YOU'RE AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER

Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?
Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?
Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?
Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

+++++

BEING OVER 50

Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young and sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement and when you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you walk by a mirror - take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, it's the retrieval that's the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these"!

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Doctor's Order

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."

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THE PRICE OF GAS....a perspective

Compared with Gasoline...... Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ....... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ......... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85.... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99.....$84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER... Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or heaven forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!

And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your muffler will fall off!!