Friday's Funnies

 Mexican Restaurant

 

A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem - it wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written. "That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"

 

Fixed Income

 

As a senior citizen on a fixed income I realize that the days of cheap cell phones are over. Now, if I fall and hear a crack, I am hoping it's my leg and not my cell phone.

 

Funny Q & A

 

Q: What's the best way to drive a baby buggy?
A: Tickle its feet.

Q: What's the fastest growing animal?
A: A kangaroo. It grows in leaps and bounds.

Q: What did one casket say to the other casket?
A: Is that you, coffin?

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's the difference between a destroyer and a cheat?
A: One rules the waves: the other waives the rules.

Q. Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
A. He's fully recovered!

The Potty

 

A three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His Mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading, but about every ten seconds or so, he puts the book down grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand. His Mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here quite a while." Billy says, I'm fine mommy, I just haven't been able to go "poopie" yet. Mother says, "OK, but why are you hitting yourself on the head." Billy says, "WORKS FOR KETCHUP"

 

Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon

 

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

And the number one sign you are in for a long sermon...

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only September!

Misinterpretation

 

Eight-year-old Susie came home from school and informed her mother that today in class they had learned how to make babies. The mother, rather shaken by the development, called the teacher to complain. After listening to the mother complain for a few minutes, the teacher responded, "Did you ask her to explain how it is done?" "No," said the mother. "Then ask her and call me back," replied the teacher. "So how DO you make babies?" the mother asked her daughter. Susie responded, "You drop the 'y' and add 'ies.'"

Expecting 

 

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting." "Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck." The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting." The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off. "When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed. "Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting." "What on earth is she expecting?" cried the Officer. "Me," said the soldier simply.

 

Dad Joke

 

My geography teacher asked me if I could name a country with no 'R' in it. I said, "No Way."

Today’s Thought

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed, and we're having a meeting.

Friday's Funnies

 Church Hopping

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.  After a while the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"  "Well, that's my house there."  "What's that next hut?" asks the sailor. "I built that hut to be my church." "What about the other hut?" "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."

Top 10 Reasons Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen

10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
7. It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
5. They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
3. Top speed is only about 45 mph.
2. Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.
1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

Parenting

Maybe parenting wasn't easier a generation ago, but at least kids weren't using their voice-activated robots to fact-check their parents.

Useful Metric Conversions

1 million phones = 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

Acting

A cinema actor, suing for a breach of contract, described himself as the greatest actor in the world. One of his friends took him to task for so loudly singing his own praises. "I know," replied the actor, "it must have sounded somewhat conceited, but, remember, I was under oath."

 

Texans Speak

 Phrases and their definitions are straight from a real live cowboy...

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.
(Not overly intelligent)

All hat, no cattle.
(All talk and no action)

We've howdied but we ain't shook yet.
(We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced)

He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
(Talks a lot)

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.
(Not the most handsome of men)

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse.
(Prone to boasting)

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.
(You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is)\

Today’s Thought

I just paid it BACKwards by telling the guy at the window that the car behind me was paying for my stuff.

Friday's Funnies

 Lesson Learned

 

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything... I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

 

Blood Drive

 

A priest, a minister and a rabbit decide to take part in a blood drive. They go to the local center. When they arrive, a nurse approaches the rabbit and asks, “What type are you?” To which the rabbit responds, “Actually, I think I’m a Type-O… ”

 

Computers

 

What is a computer's first sign of old age?

Loss of memory.

 

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

 

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?

The space bar.

 

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk.

 

To err is human; but to really screw things up requires a computer.

 

Why was there a bug in the computer?

It was looking for a byte to eat.

 

What is a computer virus?

A terminal illness.

 

I Don't Get It

 

I've got 3 TVs, cable, and a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone and one in the car, plus a pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch both the local and network news every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.

Driver’s License

The family's teenage son had just received his brand-new driver’s license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet your back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm going to sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

 

Leftovers

 

One summer day after playing outside with his sister, my 5-year-old son came into the kitchen asked, "What are you doin', Mom?" "I'm just cookin'." I told him. "Oh." he replied, "What are we havin'?" I told him, "Leftovers." He scrunched up his face and looked up at me and asked, "That's cookin'?"

Top 7 Signs Your Pastor Needs A Vacation

 

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "All right, listen up you heathens..."

 

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

 

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda shorts and a tank top.

 

4. Every time his smartphone notifications ding, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"

 

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

 

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

 

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

Signs That You Are a New Father

- Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

- You are used to doing everything one-handed.

- The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

- The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

- Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

- You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."

- You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based upon how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.

 

Idea

Here's a tip: Ring your doorbell on your way to bed at night. This will clear the dogs off the bed long enough for you to get in and be comfortable.

 

Dad Joke

 

Why do horses have a low divorce rate?  I don’t know…  They have stable relationships.

 

Today's Thought

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon. 

Friday's Funnies

 Nursing Career

 I didn't realize how much my nursing career had affected my family until the day my three-year-old granddaughter said to me, "Gramma, I think my blood sugar is low. Can I have a cookie?"

Compliment

This chef on TV just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor." I know he was talking about food, but I still took it as a compliment.

Demonstration

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

> The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
> The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke
> The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
> The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

> The first worm in alcohol - Dead
> The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
> Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
> Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive

So the minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the service.

Needed Sign

Instead of a sign that says "Do Not Disturb", I need one that says "Already Disturbed, Proceed With Caution".

Best Out Of Office Automatic E-mail Replies

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I heard winter was coming, so I decided to go to Florida. I'll be sipping cocktails on the beach until March and will not be checking email. Stay warm!

So Dumb

I knew a girl that was so dumb that she...

- called me to get my phone number.
- spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
- put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- thought a quarterback was a refund.
- tried to drown a fish.
- got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- tripped over a cordless phone.
- took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- asked for a price check at the "everything for a dollar" store.
- studied for a blood test.
- thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
- missed the 44 bus, so she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" so she turned around and went home.

Dad Joke

I've failed math so many times, I can't even count.

Today’s Thought

The adult version of "head, shoulders, knees, and toes" is "wallet, glasses, keys, and phone."

Friday's Funnies

 Traveling Light?

 A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter. As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?" "Are you trying to be funny?" she replied. "No, I really wish you had," he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."

Laws Of Life

Law of Biomechanics 

- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena

- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

The Coffee Law

- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

 

 Murphy's Law of Lockers

- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

 

 Law of Physical Surfaces

- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 

Law of Logical Argument

- Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

 

Law of Physical Appearance

- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

 

Law of Public Speaking

-- A closed mouth gathers no feet!

 

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy  

-   As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

 

Doctors' Law

- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by

the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and

you'll stay sick.

 

Broke

A thief broke into my house last night ... he started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

 

Things I Learned Living In The South

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. Onced and Twiced are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

7. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?

8. People actually grow, eat and like okra.

9. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.

10. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

12. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

13. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

16. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.

17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

18. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.

19. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

20. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

21. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr (first name)

22. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

23. You know what a hissy fit is..

24. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

25. We don't need no Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

26. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

AND one more:

27. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

 

Dad Joke

I've been telling people about the benefits of eating dried grapes, you know, Raisin Awareness

 

Today's Thought

You never realize how little self-control you have until you're sitting in front of chips and salsa.

Friday's Funnies

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.

 

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

 

Attractive Waitress

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

 

Laryngitis

A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days. To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

 

Procrastinator

Sorry I'm late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.

Real Court Hilarity

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

-------

Attorney: Do you recall the time when you examined the body?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at that time?

Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.

-------

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ.

-------

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them… The live ones put up too much of a fight.

-------

Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

-------

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Take a guess.

Dad Joke

Tomorrow my son and I are going to get new glasses and after that we'll see.

 

Today's Thought

When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

 

Friday's Funnies

 Losing weight

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 

Q & A

 

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan…

 

Q: How do you tell boy ants from girl ants?

A: You put them in water. Any that sink would be a girl ant. Any that float would be buoyant…

 

Cat Names

 

One of my neighbors owns several cats. On a recent visit, she introduced them to me. 'That's Astrophe, that's Erpillar, that's Aract, that's Alogue.' "Where on earth did you get such unusual names?' I asked. 'Oh, those are their last names,' she explained. Their first names are Cat.'

 

Important Advice

 

- Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

- If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

Doctor’s Appointment

 

I told my doctor's receptionist I need an appointment. "How about 10 tomorrow?" she asked. "I don't need that many," I replied.

 

Elderly Couple

 

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway.  By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.  When they finally arrived at the restaurant, and the lady got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, “And while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, too.”

 

Savings Account Application

 

A mother decided that her 10-year-old daughter, Cathy, should get something practical for Christmas. “Suppose we open a savings account for you?” the mother suggested. Cathy liked the idea. “It’s your account, darling” the mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out the application.” Cathy had no problem until she came to the space marked, “Name of your former bank.” After a moment’s hesitation she wrote, “Piggy… ”

 

Laws Of Life

 

Law of Mechanical  Repair  

-   After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

 

Law of Gravity

- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 

Law of Probability

- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

Law of Random Numbers

- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

 

Variation Law

- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

 

Law of Close Encounters

- The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

Quiet in Church

 

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!"

Dad Joke

 

Not to brag, but I have this incredible talent in predicting what's inside a wrapped present. 

It's a gift. 

 

Today’s Though

Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.