Friday's Funnies

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.

 

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

 

Attractive Waitress

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

 

Laryngitis

A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days. To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes," seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."

 

Procrastinator

Sorry I'm late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.

Real Court Hilarity

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Attorney: Do you recall the time when you examined the body?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at that time?

Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.

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Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ.

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Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them… The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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Attorney: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Take a guess.

Dad Joke

Tomorrow my son and I are going to get new glasses and after that we'll see.

 

Today's Thought

When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?