Friday's Funnies

 Sermon 

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit. The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!" "Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

 

Old Tractors 

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor. She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?" Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."

Dentist and Patient 

Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."
Patient - "How much will this cost?"
Dentist - "It`ll be $100."
Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?"
Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

Hospital Information

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone. "Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?" "It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.

 

Yuck

A teacher's worst nightmare...tying a wet shoelace when it hasn't been raining.

 

Pastor Faux Pas

1. “God loves a cheerful liver.”

2. “We must guard against that four-letter word called pride.”

3. In a child dedication service, the pastor said, “the history of child sacrifice goes back many centuries.”

4. Preaching in a nursing home, the pastor told the residents, “God, I want you to bless each person here at this funeral home.”

5. “Mary washed her hair with Jesus’ feet.”

6. Christmas message speaking about how beautiful the Christmas tree is in his home: “I love sitting in the living room with nothing on but the Christmas tree.”

7. Speaking at a wedding: “Marriage should be endured, not enjoyed.”

8. He meant to say “biopsy”: “Please pray for Mrs. Jones who recently went in for an autopsy.”

9. The pastor meant to say Jesus will wipe away the tears from our faces. “Jesus will wipe away our faces.”

10. Instead of “Jesus eats with sinners,” the pastor said, “Jesus eats sinners.”

 

Super Dress

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

 

At A Job Interview

"What are your strengths?"

"I take matters in my own hands."

"Okay, thank you. We will contact you."

"No, I will contact you."

 

You Know You've Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

 

·         You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

·         You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

·         You just completed another sweater... and you don't know how to knit!

·         You answer the door before people knock.

·         You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

·         You ski uphill.

·         You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

·         Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

·         You name your dog "Valdez."

·         You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

·         You lick your coffeepot clean!

Ice Fishing

A couple Congressmen from warmer climates loved to fish, so they wanted to try ice fishing. They took off up to Canada and found a nice, big frozen lake with a little bait shop nearby where they got all their tackle - including a sturdy ice pick. About an hour later, one of them was back at the shop and bought another ice pick. In another hour the Congressman was back, and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you got." The bait man said, "Well, OK -- How are you doing out there?" "Not very well at all," said the Congressman. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

Dad Joke

The best present to give your grandchild is a broken drum - you can’t beat that!

 

Today’s Thought

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

Friday's Funnies

 Staying Positive

As you get older, you've got to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years."

 

I Need A Raise

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, "What companies?" Gas, water and electricity.

 

Chicago Cab Driver

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to the bank?"

 

Sermon 

Preacher: "This morning's worship went well, but I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

Preacher's wife: "Well, it sure did taxi long enough."

 

Dinosaur Age

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"  The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."   "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

 

Praying For A Baby Brother

A little boy said he wanted a baby brother. His Dad smiled and suggested he pray for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but after a couple weeks with no baby brother, he didn't bother to ask anymore. A few months later Dad said Mom was in the hospital and had a surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw Mom holding two babies! "Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" Dad asked. The little boy, in awe, said: "I'm glad I stopped praying when I did!"

 

More Q&A On College

Q: Are student loans a good idea?

A: Student loans are very effective at keeping someone broke long after graduation. The theory behind them is that your child borrows money at a low interest rate and then pays it back after he has earned a degree and is unemployed and living with you.

Q: What is the difference between "in-state tuition" and "out-of-state tuition?"

A: You will want your child to pay "out-of-state tuition."

 

Q: I'd sacrifice everything I have to enable my child to obtain a college degree.

A: Well, that's not going to be enough.

 

Q: Now that my son is in college, it seems like the only value I am to him is that I pay the bills.

A: You see much less of your son now, and when he calls it is very often to ask for more money, so it is understandable that you feel this way. But despite the fact that he doesn't express it, I can assure you, it's not just the money--your son also cares very deeply about the fact that when he comes home to visit you do his laundry.

 

Q: At what age should I start saving to send my kid to college?

A: I'd say 16.

Q: What? Won't my kid be in high school by then?

A: You misunderstand me: I don't mean when your kid is 16, I mean when you are 16. Any later than that and you might as well forget it.

 

Heaven

The Sunday school teacher asked, "How many of you children would like to go to Heaven?"  All raised their hands except little Ronnie. The teacher asked him why not.  "I'm sorry," Ronnie replied. "Mommy told me to come right home after Sunday school."

 

Marry An Actor

An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."  The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"  So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."

Bad Language

The teacher heard one of her students, Johnny, use some off-color language and was shocked. "Johnny Martin, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not in school, not anywhere!  Where on earth did you learn that?" "I got it from my dad, Miss Rollins," replied Johnny. "Well, your father should be ashamed. I doubt you even know what all that means?" "Oh Miss Rollins, I do," said Johnny. "It means the car won’t start."

 

Dad Joke

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around Earth 24/7. So, they decided to call it a day.

 

Today’s Thought

Based on the amount of laundry I do each week; I'm beginning to think there are people who live here that I haven't met yet.

 

Friday's Funnies

 A Great Job

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

Buffaloes

Tourist: "Say, look at that big bunch of buffaloes."

Ranch Hand: "Not 'bunch' -- 'herd.'"

Tourist: "Heard what?"

Ranch Hand: "Herd of buffaloes."

Tourist: "Sure, I've heard of buffaloes. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

Bonus Buffalo Funny

Some buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest beasts I have ever seen." One buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...I think I just heard a discouraging word."

Name Warning

On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph the police stop a driver. "Not only have you been driving too fast, but you’ve also been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?" "Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic." "Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again."

The Sermon

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went. The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground." The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

You Know You’ve Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When

~ You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

~ You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

~ You just completed another sweater... and you don't know how to knit!

~ You answer the door before people knock.

~ You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

~ You ski uphill.

~ You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

~ You lick your coffeepot clean.

Shoe Size

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well-trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half." "Just bring me a size eight." The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7." "The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

Top 10 Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with recliners.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hourglass.

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl" and it's September.

Q&A ON COLLEGE

Q: I've always meant to establish a college fund for my son, but now he's 19. Does this make me a bad parent?

A: No, it makes you a typical parent.

Q: Please explain the meaning of college "non-discretionary fees."

A: Take tuition, room, and board and subtract it from your net income. The amount left over is what college will cost you in "non-discretionary fees."

Q: But that leaves no money for food, clothing, and shelter!

A: Having a child in college means giving up such luxuries.

 

Q: What are the steps I should take to obtain a college scholarship for my child?

A: First, be a professional athlete, and second, marry a professional athlete.

 

Q: I'm hoping that my daughter can find employment over the summer to pay at least half of her expenses during the school year. What sort of job would you recommend for this?

A: Neurosurgeon.

Dad Joke

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it.

Today’s Thought

A short nap once in a while can prevent old age... especially while driving.

Friday's Funnies

 Languages

 

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

 

Moving

 

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

 

Why

 

I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.  "Why?"  "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, "Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." "Oh. "We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

 

Reminisce on Romance

 

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch in their rocking chairs enjoying the cooling summer breeze. The wife was feeling a little romantic and started to reminisce. She said, "Remember on our first date when you held my hand?" The husband smiled to himself remembering and reached over and gently placed his hand on top of her hand. The wife, feeling very comfortable with this, continued. "Remember on our second date when you took me to the picture show and put your arm around me?" The old gentleman started to get a sparkle in his eye as he reached over and put his arm around her. Feeling a little more brazen, the wife continued. "Do you remember how you used to nibble on my ear?" Suddenly the old man jumped up and rushed into the house slamming the screen door as he went. Startled, the old woman thought perhaps she had pushed things to far. But a moment later, the old gent reappeared grinning. "Why did you run away?" she asked. "I wasn't running away," he replied. "I just went in to get my teeth!"

Wedding Vows

 

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."  He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."  The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."  The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

 

Forrest Gump Answers

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him and says that before he passes through the gates, he must first answer these three questions:
1. How many days in a week start with a "T"?
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What was Jesus' first name?
Peter: "So what is the answer to the first question?"
Forrest: "Two. Today and Tomorrow."
Peter: "Okay, that's not exactly what I was looking for, but it's right. So what's the answer to the second question, Forrest?"
Forrest: "12."
Peter: "How do you figure that, Forrest?"
Forrest: "Ya know, January 2nd, February 2nd..."
Peter: "Well, that's not what I was really looking for, but it'll do. So what is Jesus' first name?"
Forrest: "Andy!"
Peter: "Where do you get Andy from, Forrest?"
Forrest: "In a song it said 'Andy walked with me, Andy talked with me...'"

Heaven

A husband and wife had both died and gone to Heaven. As they were walking the streets of heaven one day the husband couldn't get over how beautiful everything was - the presence of God, all the angels and choirs, and all the colors. Finally, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, do you recall down on earth how you had us eat all that healthy food stuff? You know, no fried chicken, no gravy, no sugar?" The wife said, "Yes." The husband replied, "Do you realize we could have been here about 10 years earlier if you wouldn't have done that?"

You Know You’re A Mom When

 

1. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

2. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. And your children are at school.

3. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

4. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

5. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I can't stand people who look down on people who look down on people.

Friday's Funnies

 St. Patrick's Day Groaners

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

A: Real rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter.

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they're green with envy.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame.

Settling An Argument

Two friends were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally, they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the guys said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg."

 

Abstract Noun

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it.  Can you give me an example of one?"  "Sure," a teenage boy replied.  "My father's new car."

 

New Words for Educators

Acadormant - Students who have stopped making any academic progress.

Bookstache - The facial hair added by students to every portrait in the American history textbook.

Colate - Two students who arrive tardy to class at the same time.

Corroborative learning - When all the students in a class agree to stick to the same excuse for why their work is not done.

Digital disorganizers - Fascinating electronic organizers that distract students from paying attention to assignments, instructions, and due dates.

E-fail - Electronically sent failure notices.

Erasivot - The divot that you get in your paper if you erase too hard.

Fontics - Literacy training through the use of wacky computer type fonts.

Handoubt - To wonder if the students even looked at the important papers you just passed them.

Hydropendant - Student who requests permission to get a drink of water every ten minutes.

McDone - Students unable to participate in the afternoon's learning activities because they consumed large amounts of fast food for lunch.

Meview - A class review of material in which the only one really reviewing is the teacher.

Powerpointless - A wonderfully executed, high tech presentation completely devoid of meaningful content.

Repedementia - Repeatedly telling the same joke to the same class because you can't remember which of your classes you've told it to.

Signotsure - The signature that comes back on a mid term report that looks more like the student's than the parent's.

Strobed - Feeling you have after spending all day in a classroom with florescent lights that do that flicker thing.

Teacherscreen - The student who stands in front of you to purposefully block your view of the rest of the class as he asks you a question.

Telesubbies - Substitute teachers who only show videos.

Torigami - Assignment papers folded and unfolded so many times that they are turned in as sixteen separate pieces.

Wired classroom - Any classroom in which the teacher has had more than five cups of coffee and each student has had more than two cans of Mountain Dew.

 

IKEA

Just saw where the CEO of IKEA was elected President of Sweden. It’s the first time a president ever needed an allen wrench to assemble his cabinet.

 

Dad Joke

Are you sweating while putting gas in your car and feeling sick when paying for it?  Then you have got the carownervirus!

 

Today’s Thought

I want time to sit and read, take a nap, and snack. Basically, I want to be in kindergarten.

Friday's Funnies

 Increasing Gas Prices

 

"The average national price of a gallon of gas hit an all-time record high this week. Meaning that wherever you're going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car." — Amy Poehler

 

"The President said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either." — Jay Leno

 

"They said on the news tonight that if gas prices get any higher, we could see something totally unprecedented here in California. People actually walking." — Jay Leno

 

"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." — Jay Leno

 

"As you know, the government takes 40 percent of what you make. The other 60 percent, of course, is taken by the gas stations." — Jay Leno

 

"The price of gas in California is going crazy. In fact, today I did something smart. I bought a gallon as an investment." — Jay Leno

 

Bees

 

When they finish a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.

 

College Plans

 

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had.  Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.  After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

 

Drunk Driver

 

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow.

 

Lawyer's Son

 

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. "Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?" he asked. "What's wrong with lawyers?" "Well, Dad," explained the boy, "I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'"

Name That Baby

 

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., (whose husband was out of the country) gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious. When she wakes up 3 days later she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. We couldn't reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born we let him name them for you." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."

 

Census

 

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"  "Sure! twenty-five hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

 

The Principle of Mine

 

If I like it, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a while ago, it's mine.
If I say it is mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you're having fun with it, it's definitely mine.
If you lay it down, it's mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.

Summer Vacation

 

Two friends are talking over lunch in an outdoor patio. "So what are you doing for summer vacation?" one asks. The other one replies, "I want to go to Italy again, like last year." The first asks, "Wow! You went to Italy last year?" The other answers, "No, but I wanted to."

 

Stomachache

 

Little Susie came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've got a stomachache." "That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied. "You'd feel better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and, sure enough, Susie felt better right away. That evening when Daddy came home, he said he had a bad headache. Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

 

Dad Joke

 

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Elaborate Funeral

 

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand." "No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?" "Two and a half carats."

 

Savings

 

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news, "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979!"  "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.  "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

 

Murder Trial

 

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."  He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

 

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

 

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

 

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

 

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

 

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

 

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

 

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

 

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

 

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

 

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

 

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

 

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

 

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

 

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

 

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

 

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

 

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

 

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

 

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 

Dad Joke

 

Nothing tops a plain pizza!

 

Today’s Thought

 

Hmmm ... I just found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off something, but I have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.