Friday's Funnies

 Increasing Gas Prices

 

"The average national price of a gallon of gas hit an all-time record high this week. Meaning that wherever you're going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car." — Amy Poehler

 

"The President said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either." — Jay Leno

 

"They said on the news tonight that if gas prices get any higher, we could see something totally unprecedented here in California. People actually walking." — Jay Leno

 

"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K." — Jay Leno

 

"As you know, the government takes 40 percent of what you make. The other 60 percent, of course, is taken by the gas stations." — Jay Leno

 

"The price of gas in California is going crazy. In fact, today I did something smart. I bought a gallon as an investment." — Jay Leno

 

Bees

 

When they finish a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.

 

College Plans

 

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had.  Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy.  After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

 

Drunk Driver

 

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow.

 

Lawyer's Son

 

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. "Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?" he asked. "What's wrong with lawyers?" "Well, Dad," explained the boy, "I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'"

Name That Baby

 

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., (whose husband was out of the country) gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious. When she wakes up 3 days later she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. We couldn't reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born we let him name them for you." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."

 

Census

 

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"  "Sure! twenty-five hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

 

The Principle of Mine

 

If I like it, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a while ago, it's mine.
If I say it is mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you're having fun with it, it's definitely mine.
If you lay it down, it's mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.

Summer Vacation

 

Two friends are talking over lunch in an outdoor patio. "So what are you doing for summer vacation?" one asks. The other one replies, "I want to go to Italy again, like last year." The first asks, "Wow! You went to Italy last year?" The other answers, "No, but I wanted to."

 

Stomachache

 

Little Susie came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've got a stomachache." "That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied. "You'd feel better if you had something in it." She gave Susie a snack and, sure enough, Susie felt better right away. That evening when Daddy came home, he said he had a bad headache. Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

 

Dad Joke

 

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.