Friday's Funnies

Doctor

Father: What you want to be in your life?

Son: A Doctor.

Father: What skills do you have of a doctor?

Son: Doctor's handwriting.

Patient: "Doctor, doctor!  I keep seeing spots before my eyes!"

Doctor: "Have you seen an ophthalmologist?"

Patient: "No, just spots."

Quickies

- What did one hip bone say to the other hip bone? Let's get out of this joint.

- I've finally lost my mind. If found, do not return it. It wasn't working anyway.

- What's worse than hearing the alarm clock? Not hearing it.

- I've found that if you tuck one part of your pants legs into your sock, people expect less of you.

Day Off

John goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."  "We're short-handed, John," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says John, "I knew I could count on you!"

Signs Found in Kitchens

- A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

- A clean kitchen is a sign of a misspent life.

- Help keep the kitchen clean — eat out.

- Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

- My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.

Speech

A good speech needs a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Murphy’s Technology Laws

Murphy's Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy's Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy's Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #8: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #9: All's well that ends... period.

Murphy's Technology Law #10: A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #11: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #12: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law #13: New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #14: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy's Technology Law #15: We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy's Technology Law #16: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #17: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Long Sermon

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, she walked up to a very sleepy-looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one, ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!"

Today’s Thoughts

- A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.  Isn't that handy?

- Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is kind of the same thing.

Friday's Funnies

Workout

I did the Kid’s Workout yesterday.  Now I’m sore in my Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Knees and Toes.

I'm A Senior Citizen...

I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians...

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uhhhh...ummmm

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.  The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."  The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."  The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."   Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."  "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"  "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Thank You!

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.  The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"  "Any time," her daughter replied.  As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

Lesser-Known Knights of the Round Table

1. The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render
2. The unbelievable knight: Sir Real
3. The knights who were so fat they sat around a table by themselves: Sir Round and Sir Cumference
4. The undercover knight: Sir Veillance
5. The knight who came to an untimely end: Sir Cease
6. The knight who never got killed in battle: Sir Vivor
7. The knight who always guessed right: Sir Miser
8. The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Past
9. The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prise
10. The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount
11. The knight who funded the castle's operations: Sir Tax
12. The knight who kept the kingdom's maps up to date: Sir Veyor
13. The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis
14. The knight always called on as the first substitute: Sir Rogate
15. The most outstanding of all the knights: Sir Perb
16. The hardest knight of them all: Sir Amic
17. The knight who was most at home in a 3-ring castle: Sir Cus
18. The saddest knight of them all: Sir Rowful
19. The extra knights: Sir Perfluous and Sir Pernumerary
20. The dancing knight: Sir Prance Alot

Gift for a Wife

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift-wrapped box.  "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."  "And???" Bill asked.  "Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in it'."  "So what did you get her?" asked Bill. "I bought her a deck of cards!!"

Dress Code For Seniors

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

~ A nose ring and bifocals.
~ Spiked hair and bald spots.
~ A pierced tongue and dentures.
~ Miniskirts and support hose.
~ Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
~ Speedo's and cellulite.
~ A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
~ Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
~ Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
~ Bikinis and liver spots.
~ Short shorts and varicose veins.
~ Inline skates and a walker.

But, otherwise, WE'RE LOOKIN' GOOD!

Today’s Thought

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

Friday's Funnies

It’s About Time

A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the bed on which the farmer and his wife were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed in the next county over.  The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. "Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."  Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy...this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."

WWJD

In a shop that sold religious items was a display of baseball caps with "WWJD" printed on them.

Customer: "WWJD?  What does that mean?"

Clerk: "WWJD stands for 'What Would Jesus Do' "

Customer: "Well, I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't pay $23.95 for one of these baseball caps."

Definition

Vegetarian: Native American word meaning "lousy hunter."

You're From A Small Town If...

- You can name everyone you graduated with.  

- You know what each H in 4-H stands for.

- You give directions by references: "Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks past Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field."

- You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

- The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.

- Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

- You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

- The city council meets at the coffee shop.

- You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

- Your teacher calls you by your older sibling's name.

How Do Court Recorders Keep Straight Faces?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Today’s Thought

Went to the doctor yesterday and he asked me if obesity runs in my family? I told him no one runs in my family.

Friday's Funnies

Christian Football

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

A Raise 

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.  My boss asked, "What companies?"  Gas, water and electricity.

How To Stop Church Gossip

Mildred, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business.

Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.

She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ....and left it there all night.

Do Not Wash Your Hair In The Shower!

It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful. It involves the shampoo when it runs down your body while you shower with it. Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this claim:

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower.

The Gift

The rich aunt was hurt by her nephew's response to her gift. "I'm sorry you don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check." "I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you were talking about neckties."

The Kiddos

A priest was getting ready for a trip to Rome, and a man came to him with a request: "When you get to Rome, could you light a candle for me and my wife? We really want children and the doctor just told us we might not be able to have any." The priest agreed to the request. Ten years later, he ran into the man again in a super market. With him were about twelve kids. "Oh, this is wonderful!" said the priest. "But tell me, where's your wife?" "Oh, she's gone to Rome to blow out the candle."

Today’s Thought

There would be less childhood inactivity if children had to chop wood to keep their smart phones going.

Friday's Funnies

Today marks 19 years since I started sending out Friday’s Funnies.  I don’t search for any material, I just file any jokes that come in by e-mail that I pull from each Friday.  It doesn’t take long to put together, but many have commented on how it reminds them to pray for us weekly.  And that is the motivation to continue!  Putting a smile on your face each Friday is a close second.  Enjoy, Stan

More Exercise

I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis.

Paid in Full

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that he had completed the work a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.  Hellooooo,…just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I  am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.  Hellooooo? It's been a year, so I told him they're paid for. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Passing the Test

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

Optical Problem

I took my five-year-old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the computer better." When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses. I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read."

Proofreading is a dying art

News headlines

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Who wrote this?

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Good-for-nothing' lazy guys!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they large enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Today’s Thought

Do not trust atoms. They make up everything.

Friday's Funnies

Being Prepared

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

The Test

Who is smarter, you or your dog? A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works... If you spend $19.98 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.

The Replacements

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Is It Fresh?

Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

Unnecessary

A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child. "Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!" Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

• It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
• No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
• Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
• An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

It Works In Church

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem. That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep." "I'm so sorry to hear that," he comforted her. "But what can I do about it?" the pastor said. She sweetly replied, "Preach to me awhile, pastor."

Ten Rules for Good Housekeeping

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
3. When one room fills up with "storage," build on.
4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.
5. Make the beds and do the dishes. Six months later you'll just have to start all over again.
6. To hang up more clothes, buy bigger door knobs.
7. Sweep the room with merely a glance.
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

Today’s Thought

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to be paid back.

Friday's Funnies

Coffee

I sometimes just make my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Ironically when I do, I get halfway to work before I realize I left my car at home.

Fifty Gallons of Milk

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.  "I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath."  The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"  She replied, . . . "No just up to my chin."

Talking Clock

A man was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," he replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the guy replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three friends stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"

Random Thoughts

·        A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired !

·        If you have an opinion about my life raise your hand now and put it over your mouth.

·        A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

·        The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

·        I would like to thank my arms for always being at my side, my legs for always supporting me and my fingers because I can always count on them.

·        Friends are like walls. Sometimes you lean on them and sometimes it's good just knowing they're there.

·        Love is like the wind — you can't see it, but you can feel it.

·        I wear glasses. Doesn't that mean that everything I see is an optical illusion?

·        I paid my psychiatrist with a reality check.

·        Do fisherman live in the reel world?

·        I may not be a great artist, but I am really good at drawing a blank.

·        A chrysanthemum by any other name ... would be easier to spell.

·        Some days the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

·        I'm not too handy with tools. I once got my finger caught in a screwdriver.

Making It Clear

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.' If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.' If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'"

The Top 10 Signs Your Pastor Didn't Have Time To Study This Week

10. During the children's service he serves cake and ice cream.
  9. He tells the ushers to take the offering twice.
  8. He asks you to give a 20-minute testimony.
  7. During his pastoral prayer he prays for your government officials – listing every one of them, local, state and national – by name.
  6. He wears his reading glasses for the entire sermon.
  5. The sermon sounds eerily similar to one your heard Chuck Swindoll preach on the radio last Thursday.
  4. Instead of preaching he decides to show slides from his last vacation.
  3. Before preaching he takes 15 minutes reviewing last Sunday's sermon.
  2. Even he is falling asleep.
  1. If you didn't know better, you'd think he was lip-synching to Charles Stanley.

Should Be Obvious

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for? Do you actually know? Well, I found out the other day so I will share it with you. She can't sit down.

Made In Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to the USA for some sightseeing. On the last day of his trip, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive him to the airport.  During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”  After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”  And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”  The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet even though this continued for most of the ride. Finally, the taxi arrived at the airport. The fare was US $300. The Japanese exclaimed, “Why… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”

Taxi Jokes

- Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver.

- What’s worse than it raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!

Deck Praise

I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.  "Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."  Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"  She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"  She replied, "I said, wow, your neck's burnt!"

Today’s Thought

I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.